Wrapping Up!
Looking Back at Fall
What a delight to devote time to sharing impressions, questions, ideas, and plans for the future! Yesterday, graduates of Francesca Arnoldy’s Death Literacy Educator Program met to discuss the experiences of those who hosted the Living Fully, Dying Prepared Community Series, sponsored by a Compassion & Choices grant. The meeting prompted me to re-read the feedback received from the two groups I facilitated. My experiences held similarities and differences. The groups, from two counties, wanted to read the book, share personal stories, ask questions, make plans for their someday, one-day deaths, and find a safer space to open up about topics not often discussed in families or among friends. The differences were around the ways in which the groups approached these elements of the series: the desire for logistical information (What is a green burial? Why might I need an estate lawyer? What is MAID/Medical Aid in Dying and what’s happening with the legislation in NY?), the depth of conversation about personal relationship-oriented challenges, and the engagement in introspection and quiet moments (versus almost continuous discussion). Here are just a few of their comments:
The series:
“… made me aware of the need to both think about my death and to make the most of my remaining life.”
“… motivated me to plan death and live life more fully. Saying yes to more things now.”
“… met my needs. It was thought provocative; covered the hard conversations when it deals with oneself.”
Several of us spoke about how participants are continuing to meet after the series’s conclusion—to have this special “container” to talk and stay accountable. It is a testament to people’s appreciation of the book, the work they accomplished, and the desire to be in community, talking about these (often considered) taboo topics.
This year, I gained new knowledge and skills in creating rituals, which I am now using to
support meaning-making and conversation around the tender areas of grief, loss, and transitions. On December 6th, I hosted, Experience the Alchemy of Nature, Ritual, and Creativity. It was a multi-layered and rich experience with women who were ready to explore, create, and share what was on their hearts on that day. The Padlet I created, which we could easily use to view everyone’s work, became a gorgeous gallery. Perhaps even more fascinating was listening to each person tell her story about the questions she was working with, the personal meanings of the materials she chose, how they contributed to the design, and their feelings upon completion.
Continuing to Offer Spaces for Conversation of (Generally) Taboo Topics
The Death Cafés I host in my county and for a Creative Mornings Club are also inviting spaces for open, relaxed conversation. Last month we talked about broaching the topics of dying, death, and planning for quality of life with family, the challenges of working through unfinished business with a family member who has died, how often people don’t know how to talk with us about our grief, the devastating impact of loss of our close relationships, that grief isn’t linear and there isn’t a fixed timeline for healing, resources exist and yet we often forget to look for them as our focus becomes so focused—on our pain and grief. Every Café is different, dependent on who attends and what is on their mind.
Looking forward into Winter
Before the year’s end, there are two death cafés (in person)—December 28th in NYC through Creative Mornings, and December 30th in Suffern, NY.
I’m excited to offer Welcome in the New Year through Nature, Ritual, and Creativity on January 3rd at 11 AM ET online.
For those who love Appreciative Inquiry, using it as a lens to look at all
of life, I will offer an Appreciative Living Learning Circle, beginning on January 31st, for four weeks.
It’s my plan to offer another in-person series of Living Fully, Dying Prepared in the new year, and I would like to expand the opportunity and create an online group, too. The online group will begin in February, and the in-person series will begin in the early spring.
These different gatherings are opportunities for self-reflection, exploration, discovery, and creation within the experience of a safer container. They are described more fully on my calendar.
And, if you feel that one-to-one coaching is the best modality for you for these experiences, please reach out to me. If starting on any of these journeys is made easier by reading books or listening to podcasts, I’ve developed a curated list of resources. If you’d like a conversation to suss out what will best support you, or the list of resources. Send me an email or use my calendar link for a brief conversation.
I’ll be honest, the guidelines of the Death Café are important, and at times, I still struggle to follow them. It’s really my nature (? desire) to discover, explore, and share resources. That is not what the Café is about. Cafés are places to share thoughts, feelings, practical and philosophical questions—not advice or resources. What occurs during our 90 minutes together, aside from enjoying tea and cake, is co-created within the guidelines… we are there to be with and hear each other.
I open my jewelry boxes and ponder. I’ve lived a long time and have jewelry from both sides of my family and my own collection. Three generations of pearls seems too much for today (though I have worn three pearl necklaces before—it feels wrong to leave out anyone). Instead, I choose three pendants:
I’m currently reading Between Two Kingdoms by Suleika Jaoaud, Sylvia Boorstein’s book, Happiness is an Inside Job: Practicing for a Joyful Life, and New Techniques of Grief Therapy by Robert Neimeyer. I just finished “reading” the audiobook, We Need Your Art: Stop Messing Around and Make Something, by Amie McNee. And, I’m listening to Big Magic (Elizabeth Gilbert) in the car. (Oh, plus a {small} section almost every day in Walking Each Other Home by Ram Dass and Mirabai Starr, and my ongoing work with A Year to Live by Stephen Levine).
An overlooked yet unsurprising consequence of my design is that it may exclude people: the program addresses deeply personal matters. While people choose how much they will participate in a group, there is an expectation of sharing and support for each other.
individuals’ circumstances, needs, and wants. It’s also my plan to expand on the guidebook I have designed so the people who prefer to do their work on their own, at their own pace, can do so. It reminds me of the coaching program I originally created for teens, How to Major in You and Find the Right College. My experience with both the 1:1 and group coaching sessions years ago was a delight. Knowing that my book is still selling because there is a need reminds me of the importance of helping people find their own path. This unintended consequence has created new opportunities to serve people’s varied needs … an awesome result!